Defeated

Hello,

Yes, I may be reviving this dead blog. Well, deadish, I do still post an update about my kiddos every other or couple months. Go me! Ha! Anyway, most of you are aware of what we're going through. While my hubby finds a way to make light of it with his clever caring bridge blogs. I'm not that graceful. My heart is hurting. Especially hard right now and I'm not exactly sure why. I don't think I really need a reason. I believe on some level I will continue to mourn this amazingly challenging time. I've decided that I'm going to be pretty real from now on. I'm living a life that is so hard to sugar coat so I've decided I'm not going to just show the pretty side anymore.

I wept tonight looking at my daughters upcoming months of treatment. While, I try just to take this life one day at a time I looked ahead because Maggies hair is growing back. Her bald head is actually looking more colored instead of pale white and it's because her beautiful hair is growing back! This is such a physical glimmer of hope. Then I thought about her next phase of treatment called delayed intensification and it's expected that she'll lose her hair again. I'm having such a hard time digesting this fact.

I believe I'm also feeling defeated because while I'm very appreciative of the facebook groups I'm on for the support. Other days, I just can't stomach seeing other peoples pain. I recently read about a mom that lost her son to complications of treatment 13 days prior to Christmas. Another family's daughter, who intubated and bald, fighting for her life looks eerily like my Maggie. I just couldn't take it. While my heart was crying out to God to save this little girls life,  I was also terrified praying that never happens to my little girl.

Something else that weighs very heavy on me is the day to day. Knowing I wake up every morning with three times daily medications fights, with the knowledge that while I adore my children I'm confined to my house all day every day with them. There is no escaping the hanging gray cloud of what life is right now. Thus, I find myself feeling defeated. I'm tired. Very tired and this is just the beginning. So I cling to Jesus. That is all. I'm sure along this road I'll have more encouraging entries but this isn't one of them. I choose to cling to Him during this my exhausted time. I'm not as physically tired as much as emotionally and mentally spent. I wish a mom's night out was my cure all. But sadly, I've learned there is no cure all. There is simply shear raw determination and trust in God to get me through. That's all for now. Goodnight.

Comments

Scott and Sarah Nichols said…
Love, prayers, and hugs from Tucson sweet friend. I think being real with your emotions is the healthiest thing you can do. Praying for Maggie and for you as you navigate these days.
December 27, 2014 at 3:34 PM
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