Failing



Can I brutally honest about something? I'm failing miserably. I pin and read multiple articles about real food and organic food and I'm doing great at dinner time but I failing miserably at lunch and snacks. I do okay for the kids but for myself I just grab whatever is easiest. Also, I know his heart is right but hubby keeps bringing the above home to me and I just can't resist. I love peanut butter cups. I know I know, there is awful stuff in them and I shouldn't be eating them. I accept this. I'm embarrassed. I want to be doing better for myself. Especially because I'm likely about to find out this is month number 6 of not getting pregnant. I'm beginning to feel scared that all my little terrible snacks and not so healthy lunches may be contributing to my not getting pregnant. 

I'm kind of reeling right now. We conceived in May and baby didn't make it so I actually know for once what it is like to lose a child. My heart is so broken for mommies who go through this, mine was such an early loss but still weighs so heavy on my heart especially since the miscarriage I had a long 37 day cycle with no ovulation and now I ovulated this month but appear to be having a luteal phase defect. I hope it's just my body recovering from the chemical pregnancy I had back in May but I have to wonder if it's my food. 

Will try to spin this a little more positive because I can't be completely down on myself. I have been making soaked whole wheat bread for 2 months now. I think I have found a recipe I like and that is my go to. I plan to buy water kefir grains next month and try that. I also want to make some milk kefir as well for my smoothies. I bought all organic chicken this month and have bones waiting for healthy bone broth. We eat enough brown rice in this family that I could add that healthy broth to our rice and soups to help. I'm also looking into making my own probiotic rich sour cream and cottage cheese. My kids adore both and I figure if I can do both of those then I can get some good probiotics in them.

Well, I've shared my heart, only a select few know of our loss but I don't want to feel anymore shame about it. I loved and adored that baby for the 6 days I knew about him or her and that baby is rejoicing in heaven with our Savior and I will see him/her again someday. I take comfort in that. I pray another baby is in my future soon. My momma's heart so yearns for more children. Enough for tonight. goodnight. 

Comments

Scott and Sarah Nichols said…
Oh Anna, I am so, so , so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby, no matter how long you know about that little life, is never easy. We have 3 babies waiting for us in heaven and it's funny because people keep commenting how our family is "complete" now that we got a little girl, but the truth is our family will never be complete until we are all together in heaven. I think about those babies every single day and while the pain of the loss gets easier, it definitely changes you.

As far as the food goes, it is so easy to beat ourselves up and to feel discouraged when we know what is "best" for our family and don't live up to those standards. I have found that I just need to give myself lots of grace. Weston A. Price was a dentist who did a lot of research on nutrition and he actually found that societies that had poor nutrition, if they gave the kids one healthy, nutrient-dense meal a day, it was enough to reverse and or stop tooth decay and other health issues. So be encouraged, one nutrient-dense meal a day is a big deal!
September 23, 2015 at 9:09 AM
Louisa said…
I am so sorry for your loss, Anna. I can not personally relate to your grief, but I can certainly relate to the other struggles/emotions that you touched on. I think most mothers can. His mercies are new every morning, amen?

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I Corinthians 12:9

Love you, sister.
September 24, 2015 at 8:02 PM
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